Are you Over Your Ex? If not, How to Do it!

June 2, 2011 - Leave a Response

How do you know, for sure, that you are over your ex and ready to start dating again?

Here are two quizzes  to assist: “Are You Over Your Ex?”

http://www.quibblo.com/quiz/a2pPr4T/Are-you-OVER-your-EX

and “Are You Ready To Date Again?”:

http://www.lhj.com/lhj/quiz.jsp?quizId=/templatedata/lhj/quiz/data/AreYouReadytoDateAgainQuiz_03032003.xml&catref=lcat42&_requestid=267249

Now that we have the silly fun out of the way — if you took these polls, you are probably struggling with this issue, or perhaps have the satisfaction of having recently succeeded with getting over an ex.

Everyone is different.  I have friends who can’t get over their ex, no matter how hard they try.  That means that you need some professional counseling.  No hurt is meant to last forever.  You would not allow a cold or flu to go on forever.  The same is true for a hurt in your heart.  If you can’t get over it, admit it and get some professional help.  You need to love yourself well enough to do that.

When you are hurting, the best “home remedies” that I have seen for helping the hurt involve one or more of the following:

Taking CONTROL of the things you can take control of:

  • Taking REALLY good care of yourself with a strict health/weight loss/nutrition kick
  • Plunge into WORK and do really, really well — taste the success of making things happen

Getting positive ATTENTION from the opposite sex:

  • going out on a date (but no farther than that if you are a woman — you know what I mean)
  • flirt
  • write your new online dating profile

Find things that give you COMFORT:

  • talking it out with one true friend (please do not burden your co-workers!)  Repeat as often as necessary
  • eat your favorite treat (ice cream, chocolate, etc.)
  • journaling

If you can’t cure the hurt, find a DISTRACTION until times heals the wounds:

  • plunge into WORK
  • go out with your friends
  • take up a hobby or other past-time/distraction
  • shopping

Take steps to BUILD YOUR BEST LIFE:

  • Exercise — endorphins are natural mood lifters
  • create a dream board and make plans about how to achieve these dreams
  • read self help books
  • beauty pick me ups — get nails done, hair cut, new shirt, shoes, etc.

The key is that just like medicine, many of these home remedies should not be taken FOREVER.  If you eat too much chocolate, it’s not healthy/good for you — but a little is just fine.   If one medicine is not your cup of tea, try another one.  Too much of any medicine is never good.

Some people think of hurtful/revengeful ways to “feel better” about getting over their ex.  Revenge is NEVER, EVER a good idea.  It diminishes you, and it solidifies your image as a dysfunctional person in the eyes of your friends, and in the eyes of your ex.  Don’t do it.  Take the high road.  Believe me when I say, you will feel MUCH better when you look back over your shoulder and see that you have done the right thing.

In the end, what everyone has doubtless told you already, the best revenge is living well.  Create your own best life, and live it.  Everyone — including your ex, will notice.  And you will stop noticing anything about your ex because your own life will be so exciting, fulfilling and fun.

I’m curious as to what you think. How do you know you’re over your ex?  What ideas can you share with the rest of us to help get over someone?

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US Census: Seattle has 57% singles, vs. 33% for rest of US!

January 3, 2011 - Leave a Response

I was intrigued but not surprised by the release this week from the US Census Bureau, where it details that over the past 5 years, Seattle has 40% more single households than the national average!

http://www.seattlepi.com/local/431799_census15.html

There are LOTS of singles in Seattle — all you have to do is figure out a way to connect with them.

 

Here is a story that aired on King5 about the disproportionate number of singles in Seattle:

http://www.king5.com/home/Single-in-Seattle-more-common-than-other-cities-says-report-111974019.html

What will YOU do this year to meet others in your same life situation?

 

 

How to get noticed by the opposite sex

December 20, 2010 - Leave a Response

As a person who has never had trouble getting noticed by the opposite sex, I may have some good tips to offer!

Getting noticed in a good way is different depending on the venue in which you are searching.  For instance, ladies, in a bar or restaurant, you are noticed for how you look, and for how much you are engaging with the person or people you came with.  Have you ever had the exerience where you went to a restaurant with a date, and the minute he went to the bathroom, you were approached by another guy?  That’s because you looked great, AND you were smiling and engaged in happy reparte with your date.  That’s the dream — every guy in the room wants to be the guy you are with.  Learn to re-create that look, that feel EVERY time you go out, even when you are just out with your friends, and you will have lots more men just walking up and asking you out for a date.

If this has never happened to you before — it may be a sign that you need to step up your game a bit — perhaps in your look, perhaps in your approachability — perhaps in the energy you are showing the world.

Got a trip to the grocery store, the hardware store, or work today?  Make sure you look great, and that you look engaged, interested and approachable in everything you do.  Looking great means looking great and appropriate for the occasion — you don’t wear a cocktail dress to the grocery store — you will get noticed, but not approached because you are intimidating in that attire in that scenario.

I call it ” vacation attitude.”    I know MANY people who have met their mate while on vacation — do you know why?  It’s because when you get away from your everyday grind, in a plane, train, or just a trip to a grocery in a new town — it is human nature to be more “alive,” to show and express more interest, excitement and openness to the sights and the people around you.  For instance, have you ever noticed that while on vacation, you meet more guys?  Well, that’s because you are OPEN to them, more approachable, more relaxed and allowing them to really see you than you are when you are at home with your head down and your hair in a pony tail at the gym or the grocery store!  I challenge you to put on your VACATION ATTITUDE every day, to get noticed by the opposite sex!

When you walk into a bar or restaurant with your friends, your entrance is very important.  When walking in, hold your head high, your eyes wide open with an expression of friendliness and excitement.  When you walk in, make eye contact — just one seconds worth — with everyone who comes in your path, smile, and then look away.  Look back only if you like what you see!  Look around the room at the scene and the people — just like you would if you were on vacation!

If you are entering a party — again, your entrance is very important.  When you walk in the door, everyone is watching to see who comes in… make your entrance confident, happy, friendly and approachable.  Again, have a smile and just a second of eye contact for everyone you meet.  Look back only at those you are interested in.  If it’s someone you are interested in meeting, let the second glance last 2 seconds, and the 3rd glance last 5, before looking away.  That should be enough of a sign for him to come over and introduce himself.  If he doesn’t, then let it go — you want a guy who is willing to go after what he wants, don’t you?

Interestingly, if you are a guy, the approach is amazingly similar.  Remember how you look — your personal best and appropriate for the situation/venue, remember to look engaged, interested, excited and approachable when in public places.  Add to this, that if you are doing something interesting, noteworthy, polite, or excellent, you will have her attention.  Helping an elderly person, for example.  Or just opening a door for a woman.  Or being nice to the person that the girl you have noticed is with, is noticeable.  Look for her looking at you for more than 2 seconds… that’s your cue to say hello and start a conversation about ANYTHING.  And it can absolutely be anything.  She’s already told you with her gaze and smile that your advance is welcome.  However, if you do NOT get that more than 2 second glance, it’s probably not worth your time in approaching.

In short, it is easy to get noticed by the opposite sex, as long as you look your personal best, you are appropriate for the situation, and are showing energy and approachability wherever you are, out in the world.  So, put on your VACATION ATTITUDE and see how much you are noticed this week!  Let me know what you find!

Should you Break Up Before the Holidays?

December 7, 2010 - Leave a Response

The best advice I’ve ever been given regarding the death of dating relationships is, if you are happy more than 50% of the time, stay in the relationship and work on the relationship and on what it will take to be self-actualized within that relationship. If you are not happy at least 50% of the time, then it’s time to leave. If you don’t know for sure, then set a date on the calendar at which point you will re-evaluate. Then, on that date, follow through.

As for breaking up during the holiday season — if you know you are not happy at least 50% of the time, it’s time to go, and the sooner the better! That means do it tonight.

There are so many opportunities for meeting new singles over the holidays — it really is not in your best interest or the best interests of your soon to be ex to wait any longer. See this article for tips on meeting singles over the holidays: https://singlefun.wordpress.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=85&action=edit

 

Top 5 Reasons it’s GREAT to be SINGLE over the Holidays!

December 6, 2010 - Leave a Response

Holiday lights, Christmas trees, presents, parties — the holiday season can be AMAZING fun and filled with friends and gifts and reasons to be thankful. The thing about the holidays is that if you are SINGLE, and you are not near your family (either in proximity or in spirit), it can be a time of trepidation where you just want to put your head down and work until it’s all over.

Cheer up, singles! It doesn’t have to be a time of anxiety — take a deep breath and reflect on  the Top 5 reasons it’s GREAT to be SINGLE over the Holidays:

1. You are not forced to go to your spouse or significant other’s holiday party — you don’t know those people anyway, and you will be spared the small talk and empty calories this night would bring.

2.  You are saving money on presents!  This is money that can be spent on making your own holiday merrier.

3. You have time off from work — USE IT to do something YOU really want to do! With less commitments than those who are married — you can decide to take a snowshoeing trip, or learn to cross country ski, or snowboard, or anything else you’ve really wanted to do, because now you can!  Afraid to do it yourself — take a lesson!  Most ski resorts offer them and you have instant “company” on the slopes/snoeshoe hill.  Or, if you REALLY want to have an endless variety of singles events to go to over the holiday season — you can be engaged in holiday fun every night by joining Events and Adventures (www.eventsandadventures.com) — the adventure and activity club for singles only.  Concerts, shows at the theater, parties, gift exchanges, holiday dinners (even ON Christmas day), group trips for snowmobiling, skiing, snowshoeing, holiday tree lighting in the mountains, and more are already planned for this month in 22 cities across the United States and in Vancouver, BC.  In fact, if you join Events and Adventures and mention the SingleFun blog, you will get your New Year’s Eve party for FREE as well as a thank you for joining.

4.  Great opportunities to meet new singles  — the holiday season is a GREAT time to see and be seen, and many singles are the ones traveling to your town to see their family — what better opportunity to meet them!  Bonus: if their FAMILY is from here, they are not really that long of a long distance relationship — they will always come home.  You can turn the added parties, and the excuse of “spreading holiday cheer” into the best opportunities of the year for you to look your best, reach out to your friends and neighbors and meet someone new!    Pay it forward — bring holiday cookies to your neighbors, or offer to shovel snow from their driveway.  Embrace the holidays instead of hiding from them, and you may find that your neighbor’s nephew or niece from out of town is actually cute, interesting and willing to help you put up your Christmas lights!  Or that the hum-drum holiday party down the street will actually offer you a great opportunity to meet someone new.

5.  Create your own definition of the “holiday spirit.”  If you have always wanted to volunteer at a soup kitchen, there is no better time.  Been looking for the time to organize donation efforts — there is no better time than now to get others to jump on YOUR holiday bandwagon.  A single friend of mine organizes a “Toys for Tots” party at this time of year and the entire group of us meets at a local Toys R Us or Target, buys some holiday toys,  and proceeds directly to the neighborhood fire station for donation to the kids.  All this is followed immediately by a holiday cookies and cocktails party.  What a fun way to share the joy of giving with your friends.

No matter what you decide to do over the holidays, realize that there are some big advantages to being single at this time of year — and in the end, it’s what you make of it!  Tell me, what’s YOUR ideal way to spend the holidays when you are single?

The DANGER of Staying Inside When You are Single

November 11, 2010 - One Response

It’s Friday night.  It’s raining.  You just got off of work, and after a week where you thought of little else, other than work, you are EXHAUSTED.  You have no plans tonight; so, you come home and log into Twitter and Facebook.   You surf the web, and play Wii.  You find a good movie to rent, and order take-out.  You stay up late, because you know you can sleep in, because you don’t really have set plans for tomorrow, either.

Is this the way to meet Ms./Mr. Right?  I think you know the answer to that.

It is not healthy for singles to stay inside, killing time and relaxing on Friday and Saturday nights.  Here is a list of things you C OULD be doing instead of staying in that would bring you one step closer to meeting Mr./Ms. Right:

1.  Get involved!  Join a team, a book club, or fundraising for a cause — I have heard COUNTLESS stories from friends who have met their significant other just by getting out of the house!  Do WHATEVER suits your personality.  Have fun with this!

2.  Get online!  Did you know that 1:5 couples met online today?  Crazy, isn’t it?  If going out on blind dates with online buds is your style, go for it!  More on this, later.

3.  If you REALLY want to get serious about finding a life partner, join a club for singles only, like Events and Adventures.  EVERYONE you meet will be available instead of every 10th person in activities outside of a club for singles.

The point is, if a guy or a girl would have to knock on your front door in order to meet you, it’s probably NOT going to happen.  Don’t let “getting old, alone” happen to you.  That’s how cat people/dog people are created — because relationships with the pet become the most consistent/significant relationship in the person’s life.  Because if you DON’T do anything about your lifestyle that’s exactly what will happen as time marches forward.   You deserve much more.  Avoid the danger — get yourself out of the house.

How to Avoid dating a Married Man

November 10, 2010 - Leave a Response

Up to 1/3 of the people on online dating sites are actually married.

I cannot imaging a more hurtful and cruel thing to happen to you than to fall in love with someone only to find out later that they are married.  Yes, some of them do hide it that well.

I’ll never forget the man who I accepted a date with once — he was a friend of my boss’s at work.  He gave us (my boss and I) a ride back to the office one night from a place where we were all meeting.  I had to move the baby seat to be able to hop into the back of the car.

He asked me out on a date to the movies.  He was not wearing a wedding ring.  I accepted the date.  He showed up at my apartment to pick me up and made a comment about how the baby was with his wife.  Everything slowed down in my mind… like slow motion in a movie.  I stammered, “you are not married, right?”  He looked at me in a bewildered way and said that he was separated but still married and he thought that I knew because of the baby seat in the back of the car!  I sent him packing that minute, with a sick feeling of ickyness covering me like goosebumps.

Lesson: there a many, many people who are married or at least “not divorced” and pretending to be single.  You need help sorting for that before you ever think about going out with someone.

Here is a list of things to look for that might be a signal that someone you are thinking of going out with is actually married:

http://www.onlinedatingmagazine.com/features/marriedmen.html

And, if you don’t want to have to become a detective just to date, join a club that screens out the married people of the world, like Events and Adventures (www.eventsandadventures.com).  Then you can be sure that someone you are chatting with or going out with tonight is not going home to their wife!

 

 

A Guy’s Advice — If You Know Someone She Knows, A Girl Will Go Out With A Stranger

November 4, 2010 - Leave a Response

I have a guy friend who is not really a player, but he never has trouble finding a date. He told me that he never struggles in finding dates, because he has figured out that if he sees a girl he finds attractive, all he has to do is figure out how he knows someone who knows her.  Once she has made the connection between him and another one of her acquaintances, then he is sure that she will accept a date with him when he asks.

Could this be true?  I thought about my own experiences.  Hmmmm… if I knew that the guy knew someone I know, would it make any difference as to whether I would go out with him?

I decided that it would not ensure that I would go out with him, but it would in fact, justify my giving him the benefit of the doubt if I had any qualms about not going out with him just because he is a stranger.

Haven’t you done that before, ladies?  Decided not to go out with someone who just walked up and asked you because you didn’t know him — I know I have done that dozens of times — but if he gets me into conversation. and I find out that he knows someone I work with, or someone who is a friend of mine — if I was at all intrigued, I’d say “yes” to the date.
The key here is two-fold — first, you have to engage in conversation enough to find out what mutual acquaintances/connections you have.  It doesn’t matter how distant the connection.  Work. Friends. Sports Leagues. Neighbors.  Think about it — we are all about 3 degrees of separation away from EVERYONE in the city we live in, if you really analize it.

Second — guys, you have to be bold enough to ask — AFTER you figure out the person that you two have in common.  Something casual — not out to a fancy dinner or anything — LOW commitment level. But maybe on a friday night, so that if you two are having fun, the opportunity to extend the time together is still there.

Best of luck, and let me know how you do!!!

When the Shoe Fits… the Timing of Falling in Love

November 3, 2010 - Leave a Response

Some of us are wishing so badly that we’d fall in love or meet Mr. or Ms. “Right” that we force it to happen, even when we  know it’s not exactly the right fit.  We do this because we want love to happen on our own time — to avoid the pain of loneliness and the fear of being alone forever, or due to our own fear over not getting what we want out of relationships and life.

It is kind of like trying on a shoe that is close to our size, but not exactly a fit, but buying it anyway because it looks so good on, and there’s not another shoe around that you like better (ladies, you know what I’m talking about here).  Some people either go for it and get involved in the wrong relationship (wasting lots of time when the clock is ticking, ladies!) or stay in a relationship that does not fit for much longer than they should, simply because they don’t see another relationship candidate around that they like better or are fearful that they won’t find one that they like better.  Or fearful that they won’t find that person in time to have children.  And, they are fearful of the pain of being alone again.

But in matters of the heart, the same physical pain that you experience with every step in the wrong-sized shoe you will experience emotionally when you try to force-fit the wrong relationship.

He or she may be the most beautiful, handsome, smart, fun, accomplished person on the planet, but if they are not right for YOU, all that really does not matter.   All of those “outside” attributes are not really what we fall in love with… we fall in love with what’s on the inside.  The sense of humor, the way a person thinks of and experiences life, the way a person expresses him or herself, their values, their character, their smile — these are the things that truly make us fall madly, irrevocably, gooey in love.  But how to sort for all that inside stuff?

It’s a connundrum that has not yet been solved by modern medical science.  There is no pill, no sorting mechanism, no place to meet singles yet that has figured out how to match you with the right person.  It is also why you have to meet the person before you can even start to determine if they are “the right fit.”
there is no website reporting (accurately, anyway) all those things going on inside.  All you can do proactively is to learn from what has “worked” in the past to optimize your chances, and focus on making YOU your best version of yourself.  Finally, you can decide NOT to start a “wrong fit” type of relationship out of avoidance of lonliness, or fear of being “the cheese who stands alone” forever, because doing that takes you off the market and takes your energies away from being open  and available for Mr. or Ms. “Right.”

One thing I truly have learned from personal experience — when the shoe fits, you KNOW it fits.  There is no doubt.  You won’t have to ask yourself the question, “does this really fit me?”  or, “am I settling?”  Your gut will tell you the answer.  Trust it.

Once you have made the hard choice not to continue to walk around in the “wrong fit” relationship, stay tuned to my blog for tips on “optimization” and learnings from your personal past, and making YOU the best version of YOU in preparation for meeting your soulmate.  After having interviewed 4,000 singles and seeing literally hundreds of them meet and marry over the past 7 years, I may have some insights that will help you.

 

How to Meet Singles At the Polls on Election Day!

November 2, 2010 - Leave a Response

In case you have never thought about it, there is DEFINITELY more than one reason to get out and vote on Election Day…. it’s a GOOD way to meet singles in your neighborhood who you would not ordinarily have met through your regular daily routine!

You must go to vote IN PERSON for this — no hiding behind the mail service!  (very sorry for those of us in states where they no longer have in-person polling locations – for you, keep reading for advice for singles, below).  First, a word about timing: you will find the highest density of singles either very early in the morning (when polls open through 8 a.m.) or after 5 p.m.

Guys, think about what showing up at the polls says about you to a single woman:

1.  You are not a felon, as you have the right to vote.

2.  You are civic minded and responsible — both good qualities that women looking for Mr. Right value.

3.  You might actually have some opinions on politics, leaning in your favor to be judged as educated and perhaps even intellectual.

Wow, you couldn’t get a better recommendation from your best friend.  So, suffice to say, you have an automatic edge in asking for a coffee date from standing in line at the polling place — way, way ahead of how you appear asking for a date from standing in line at the bar, for example.

Any public place where you want to meet someone takes just a little bit of social “game,” and I will elaborate in spades on this in future posts — but for now, a quick list of “how-tos” for meeting eligible members of the opposite sex at the polling facility:

1.  Make eye contact and smile.

2.  Look away, then look back and smile directly at them in a friendly way.  See how they respond.

3.  Start a conversation about ANYTHING.  Drop your pencil, ask for a pen, comment on their attire or hair in a complimentary way, if they are working there, you can thank them for volunteering and ask for information on how to do that — it doesn’t matter what you talk about, just that you open up a conversation of some kind.  See how they respond.

4.  Caution: it is not proper etiquette to ask how someone is voting at a polling location.

5.  Suggest an after-poll cup of coffee or suggest a non-threatening place (another civic event?) to meet at a time in the not-so-distant future.

6.  Go onto facebook and click the “I voted today” application — all the women in your social circle there will see it and that can go a long way for others who are THEIR friends who are single.

IF YOUR STATE HAS GONE TO ALL-MAIL-IN-ONLY BALLOTS: This is truly a bummer for singles, and for those who just want to meet their neighbors!  What is happening to this country when we are taking away the few social occasions that have to do with being an American?!  Anyway… singles, here are your tips:

1.  Get your ballot done early — as soon as it is mailed to you.  That way you will have thoroughly read and have an opinion on the issues. allowing you to engage in conversations about the election.

2.  Look for bars that have gatherings regarding the election results.  They have them for large elections, and I can tell you from personal experience, they are FULL of singles, all with opinions and a willingness to talk about them.  This is also a great place to ask the opposite sex to accompany you to — kind of gives you something to talk about.

Best of luck!  Let me know how it goes!  Remember, one third of success in meeting singles is showing up.  Another third is noticing the opportunities that actually surround you each and every day.  The last part is being confident enough in yourself, and interested enough in the other person to start a conversation.  The rest sometimes takes care of itself.  Why not take a chance?  The worst thing that can happen: you did your civic duty and participated in the democratic process.