Archive for November, 2010

The DANGER of Staying Inside When You are Single
November 11, 2010

It’s Friday night.  It’s raining.  You just got off of work, and after a week where you thought of little else, other than work, you are EXHAUSTED.  You have no plans tonight; so, you come home and log into Twitter and Facebook.   You surf the web, and play Wii.  You find a good movie to rent, and order take-out.  You stay up late, because you know you can sleep in, because you don’t really have set plans for tomorrow, either.

Is this the way to meet Ms./Mr. Right?  I think you know the answer to that.

It is not healthy for singles to stay inside, killing time and relaxing on Friday and Saturday nights.  Here is a list of things you C OULD be doing instead of staying in that would bring you one step closer to meeting Mr./Ms. Right:

1.  Get involved!  Join a team, a book club, or fundraising for a cause — I have heard COUNTLESS stories from friends who have met their significant other just by getting out of the house!  Do WHATEVER suits your personality.  Have fun with this!

2.  Get online!  Did you know that 1:5 couples met online today?  Crazy, isn’t it?  If going out on blind dates with online buds is your style, go for it!  More on this, later.

3.  If you REALLY want to get serious about finding a life partner, join a club for singles only, like Events and Adventures.  EVERYONE you meet will be available instead of every 10th person in activities outside of a club for singles.

The point is, if a guy or a girl would have to knock on your front door in order to meet you, it’s probably NOT going to happen.  Don’t let “getting old, alone” happen to you.  That’s how cat people/dog people are created — because relationships with the pet become the most consistent/significant relationship in the person’s life.  Because if you DON’T do anything about your lifestyle that’s exactly what will happen as time marches forward.   You deserve much more.  Avoid the danger — get yourself out of the house.

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How to Avoid dating a Married Man
November 10, 2010

Up to 1/3 of the people on online dating sites are actually married.

I cannot imaging a more hurtful and cruel thing to happen to you than to fall in love with someone only to find out later that they are married.  Yes, some of them do hide it that well.

I’ll never forget the man who I accepted a date with once — he was a friend of my boss’s at work.  He gave us (my boss and I) a ride back to the office one night from a place where we were all meeting.  I had to move the baby seat to be able to hop into the back of the car.

He asked me out on a date to the movies.  He was not wearing a wedding ring.  I accepted the date.  He showed up at my apartment to pick me up and made a comment about how the baby was with his wife.  Everything slowed down in my mind… like slow motion in a movie.  I stammered, “you are not married, right?”  He looked at me in a bewildered way and said that he was separated but still married and he thought that I knew because of the baby seat in the back of the car!  I sent him packing that minute, with a sick feeling of ickyness covering me like goosebumps.

Lesson: there a many, many people who are married or at least “not divorced” and pretending to be single.  You need help sorting for that before you ever think about going out with someone.

Here is a list of things to look for that might be a signal that someone you are thinking of going out with is actually married:

http://www.onlinedatingmagazine.com/features/marriedmen.html

And, if you don’t want to have to become a detective just to date, join a club that screens out the married people of the world, like Events and Adventures (www.eventsandadventures.com).  Then you can be sure that someone you are chatting with or going out with tonight is not going home to their wife!

 

 

A Guy’s Advice — If You Know Someone She Knows, A Girl Will Go Out With A Stranger
November 4, 2010

I have a guy friend who is not really a player, but he never has trouble finding a date. He told me that he never struggles in finding dates, because he has figured out that if he sees a girl he finds attractive, all he has to do is figure out how he knows someone who knows her.  Once she has made the connection between him and another one of her acquaintances, then he is sure that she will accept a date with him when he asks.

Could this be true?  I thought about my own experiences.  Hmmmm… if I knew that the guy knew someone I know, would it make any difference as to whether I would go out with him?

I decided that it would not ensure that I would go out with him, but it would in fact, justify my giving him the benefit of the doubt if I had any qualms about not going out with him just because he is a stranger.

Haven’t you done that before, ladies?  Decided not to go out with someone who just walked up and asked you because you didn’t know him — I know I have done that dozens of times — but if he gets me into conversation. and I find out that he knows someone I work with, or someone who is a friend of mine — if I was at all intrigued, I’d say “yes” to the date.
The key here is two-fold — first, you have to engage in conversation enough to find out what mutual acquaintances/connections you have.  It doesn’t matter how distant the connection.  Work. Friends. Sports Leagues. Neighbors.  Think about it — we are all about 3 degrees of separation away from EVERYONE in the city we live in, if you really analize it.

Second — guys, you have to be bold enough to ask — AFTER you figure out the person that you two have in common.  Something casual — not out to a fancy dinner or anything — LOW commitment level. But maybe on a friday night, so that if you two are having fun, the opportunity to extend the time together is still there.

Best of luck, and let me know how you do!!!

When the Shoe Fits… the Timing of Falling in Love
November 3, 2010

Some of us are wishing so badly that we’d fall in love or meet Mr. or Ms. “Right” that we force it to happen, even when we  know it’s not exactly the right fit.  We do this because we want love to happen on our own time — to avoid the pain of loneliness and the fear of being alone forever, or due to our own fear over not getting what we want out of relationships and life.

It is kind of like trying on a shoe that is close to our size, but not exactly a fit, but buying it anyway because it looks so good on, and there’s not another shoe around that you like better (ladies, you know what I’m talking about here).  Some people either go for it and get involved in the wrong relationship (wasting lots of time when the clock is ticking, ladies!) or stay in a relationship that does not fit for much longer than they should, simply because they don’t see another relationship candidate around that they like better or are fearful that they won’t find one that they like better.  Or fearful that they won’t find that person in time to have children.  And, they are fearful of the pain of being alone again.

But in matters of the heart, the same physical pain that you experience with every step in the wrong-sized shoe you will experience emotionally when you try to force-fit the wrong relationship.

He or she may be the most beautiful, handsome, smart, fun, accomplished person on the planet, but if they are not right for YOU, all that really does not matter.   All of those “outside” attributes are not really what we fall in love with… we fall in love with what’s on the inside.  The sense of humor, the way a person thinks of and experiences life, the way a person expresses him or herself, their values, their character, their smile — these are the things that truly make us fall madly, irrevocably, gooey in love.  But how to sort for all that inside stuff?

It’s a connundrum that has not yet been solved by modern medical science.  There is no pill, no sorting mechanism, no place to meet singles yet that has figured out how to match you with the right person.  It is also why you have to meet the person before you can even start to determine if they are “the right fit.”
there is no website reporting (accurately, anyway) all those things going on inside.  All you can do proactively is to learn from what has “worked” in the past to optimize your chances, and focus on making YOU your best version of yourself.  Finally, you can decide NOT to start a “wrong fit” type of relationship out of avoidance of lonliness, or fear of being “the cheese who stands alone” forever, because doing that takes you off the market and takes your energies away from being open  and available for Mr. or Ms. “Right.”

One thing I truly have learned from personal experience — when the shoe fits, you KNOW it fits.  There is no doubt.  You won’t have to ask yourself the question, “does this really fit me?”  or, “am I settling?”  Your gut will tell you the answer.  Trust it.

Once you have made the hard choice not to continue to walk around in the “wrong fit” relationship, stay tuned to my blog for tips on “optimization” and learnings from your personal past, and making YOU the best version of YOU in preparation for meeting your soulmate.  After having interviewed 4,000 singles and seeing literally hundreds of them meet and marry over the past 7 years, I may have some insights that will help you.

 

How to Meet Singles At the Polls on Election Day!
November 2, 2010

In case you have never thought about it, there is DEFINITELY more than one reason to get out and vote on Election Day…. it’s a GOOD way to meet singles in your neighborhood who you would not ordinarily have met through your regular daily routine!

You must go to vote IN PERSON for this — no hiding behind the mail service!  (very sorry for those of us in states where they no longer have in-person polling locations – for you, keep reading for advice for singles, below).  First, a word about timing: you will find the highest density of singles either very early in the morning (when polls open through 8 a.m.) or after 5 p.m.

Guys, think about what showing up at the polls says about you to a single woman:

1.  You are not a felon, as you have the right to vote.

2.  You are civic minded and responsible — both good qualities that women looking for Mr. Right value.

3.  You might actually have some opinions on politics, leaning in your favor to be judged as educated and perhaps even intellectual.

Wow, you couldn’t get a better recommendation from your best friend.  So, suffice to say, you have an automatic edge in asking for a coffee date from standing in line at the polling place — way, way ahead of how you appear asking for a date from standing in line at the bar, for example.

Any public place where you want to meet someone takes just a little bit of social “game,” and I will elaborate in spades on this in future posts — but for now, a quick list of “how-tos” for meeting eligible members of the opposite sex at the polling facility:

1.  Make eye contact and smile.

2.  Look away, then look back and smile directly at them in a friendly way.  See how they respond.

3.  Start a conversation about ANYTHING.  Drop your pencil, ask for a pen, comment on their attire or hair in a complimentary way, if they are working there, you can thank them for volunteering and ask for information on how to do that — it doesn’t matter what you talk about, just that you open up a conversation of some kind.  See how they respond.

4.  Caution: it is not proper etiquette to ask how someone is voting at a polling location.

5.  Suggest an after-poll cup of coffee or suggest a non-threatening place (another civic event?) to meet at a time in the not-so-distant future.

6.  Go onto facebook and click the “I voted today” application — all the women in your social circle there will see it and that can go a long way for others who are THEIR friends who are single.

IF YOUR STATE HAS GONE TO ALL-MAIL-IN-ONLY BALLOTS: This is truly a bummer for singles, and for those who just want to meet their neighbors!  What is happening to this country when we are taking away the few social occasions that have to do with being an American?!  Anyway… singles, here are your tips:

1.  Get your ballot done early — as soon as it is mailed to you.  That way you will have thoroughly read and have an opinion on the issues. allowing you to engage in conversations about the election.

2.  Look for bars that have gatherings regarding the election results.  They have them for large elections, and I can tell you from personal experience, they are FULL of singles, all with opinions and a willingness to talk about them.  This is also a great place to ask the opposite sex to accompany you to — kind of gives you something to talk about.

Best of luck!  Let me know how it goes!  Remember, one third of success in meeting singles is showing up.  Another third is noticing the opportunities that actually surround you each and every day.  The last part is being confident enough in yourself, and interested enough in the other person to start a conversation.  The rest sometimes takes care of itself.  Why not take a chance?  The worst thing that can happen: you did your civic duty and participated in the democratic process.

What to do for #Thanksgiving when you are Single
November 1, 2010

I remember moving to Seattle one very rainy November exactly 11 years ago.  I lived in a hotel for the first 2 weeks.  My boxes with my entire life in them arrived at the cute bachelorette pad that I had rented in Belltown the day before Thanksgiving.  There was no sense in flying to Cleveland to be with family when I would be there with them for the Christmas holidays, just 4 weeks away.

It was my first — and in fact my last — Thanksgiving completely alone.

I knew no one in town except those in the office I worked with — and I didn’t even know them very well yet.  I woke up Thanksgiving day and turned on the television and watched the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  Not so exciting when you are by yourself, with no dinner or friends to look forward to later in the day, or even later in the weekend.

When you are single and living in a town far away from family or anyone you know, you need friends to create a normal life.  One where you have connections with people, and look forward to those connections.  One where you can share your precious and hard-earned time off in a fun way, with others.  Otherwise, what’s all that work for, anyway?  Time to blow off some steam!

Every Thanksgiving ever since that first one, I have spent up at Whistler with about 75 single professionals, just like myself.  We had Thanksgiving dinner together — we visited the clubs and spas together, went out to the shopping and exploring together, and I snowboarded every day with about half of that group (the other half finds other activities, like spas, snowshoeing, shopping. etc. to do during the day).  Amazing.  So much fun.  Such friendly people.  A real vacation instead of just a dinner.  Wow!

I did this just by joining Events and Adventures.  In all seriousness, I don’t know of any other group in Seattle or Vancouver BC who takes care of Singles on Thanksgiving Day, Thanksgiving Weekend.  They take care of all of the reservations and organization to Whistler EVERY Thanksgiving – and that’s on TOP of events planned here in Seattle for those who don’t choose to travel.  The most that I ever paid for my accommodations and 2 meals per day for that 3-night, 4-day weekend was $250.  Such a deal at Whistler is hard to refuse.

They are going again this year — call them now and Tivo the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade!  You’ll be out enjoying your time off with gusto, and being thankful for all the new friends you’ve made this year!

http://www.eventsandadventures.com

1-800-386-0866